A life with a new baby has been pretty challenging, but also incredibly rewarding… My pregnancy was not exactly smooth towards the end and after Emily was born and got to bring her home a week later, we had encountered a few snags along the way… It has taken me a while to write this post because I was slightly embarrassed and ashamed of my experience, but now I feel like I am at a good place with the decisions I have made and am ready to share with the world my experience…

Emily never latched on due to being so small + was bottle fed from the start due to being in the NICU… After she was born, she was rushed off to the NICU and I had to undergo treatments to prevent me from having seizures / strokes (due to my high blood pressure), which meant I was confined to my bed so I was separated from her for 24 hrs… I was introduced to the pump in the hospital, although I had already purchased one that I planned to use when I went back to work, I never ever thought I would have to use it right when she was born…  At first I have to admit I thought the breastpump was a wonderful invention especially for the moms of premies, but that would soon change!  I did attempt to nurse her while in the NICU several times a day with the help of several lactation consultants, but it was a very frustrating experience for both her and myself so after a few weeks at home of trying to get her to latch on & pump, I decided to exclusively pump & supplement with her premie formula… because I didn’t want to waste what little energy she had on breastfeeding when she took the bottle so easily…

A few weeks into her life, we noticed Emily had screaming fits half way into drinking her bottle… I did my research online and chalked it up to colic; however this concerned me since she was so small that when she refused to eat and her screaming fits grew in intensity (to the point that she was definitely in pain), I took her to the doctors… at first we were diagnosed with silent reflux since the symptoms were dead on… but after keeping her upright for 30 mins every after feeding and giving her a small dosage of Zantac, the symptoms were still prevalent… My mom mentioned that when I was a baby I had to go on soy formula and I mentioned it to both her doctor and one of my good friends who is a NP… they both recognized that the symptoms of silent reflux are very similar to a milk intolerance… they suggested upping her dosage or switching to a soy based formula and see if there was any difference…

After one feeding of soy formula, Emily was a completely different baby… it was like a switch went off… she started guzzling her bottles and became much happier and more pleasant and her little tummy was not hurting anymore…

It was at this time that I decided to stop pumping…I’m not going to lie when I say it was a very hard thing to do… my life with the pump was a love – hate relationship… Prior to this experience, I never understood why people didn’t breastfeed, I thought it was going to be such a wonderful experience and my experience was quite the opposite and I did feel like a failure in the beginning… Not to mention that when she was in the NICU I felt like I hardly got to spend any time with her because I was in the pumping room and Bill got to spend time with her while I was pumping… The same thing happened when I got home as well… Being a newborn, Emily slept a lot so when she was awake, I wound up having to pump every 2-3 hrs… it was hard,  time consuming but I kept up with it because I figured I was giving her everything she needed… When she developed the milk intolerance, I took it as a sign from God that maybe I should stop pumping and use it as an opportunity to save the 4+ hrs I was pumping every day to spend the time with her instead!  Maybe if she had latched on, I probably would have just cut all dairy out of my diet and see if that made a difference, but at this point I was exhausted… she was getting up every 2.5 hrs so I would feed her for 30 mins and then have to pump for another 30 and then fall back asleep for an hour or so and do the whole thing all over again… It wasn’t fair to her to have a super exhausted mommy and I was starting to resent the pump big time because I felt like I was missing out on the first few weeks of her life…

So 8.5 weeks into her life, I stopped pumping…

Despite the fact that I hated to pump, I also hated the fact that I was not going to be able to give her breastmilk… It was depressing and I felt like I was letting her down, but I got over it quickly when I realized how much more time I’d have to spend with her instead of running off to go pump!

I write this post just to share my experience with you all in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation because I feel like it was a blessing in disguise (despite the fact that Emily’s tummy had to suffer until we figured out the root of the problem) because it taught me many lessons about being a parent… Life is not always going to go as you had planned… and Life is not just about you anymore, it is about your child… Being a very schedule-oriented and rigid person, this was hard to get accustomed to, but I am glad I learned it early on and not later in her life! Plus it also helped me to learn not to judge people’s decisions regarding formula or breastfeeding… everyone has to make their own choice, what works best for everyone and you don’t always know or understand the situation that led them to make their decisions!

I give a LOT of credit to those mommies who exclusively pump for 6 months or even a year and I think it is truly a wonderful thing, but for me (especially knowing that I was going back to work when she was 4 months old) this was the absolute best choice that I made for her and for me!  I am happy that I was able to give her breastmilk for the first 8.5 weeks of her life and would not change a single thing about the entire process!

For those mommies who do decide to pump, I do highly recommend the Medela Pump In Style breastpump, Medela microwave steam bags, and the Medela Easy Expressionhands free bra… I definitely could not have pumped for almost 9 weeks without the use of them!!!